The Benefits of Scheduling Sex : How Putting Sex on the Calendar Will Revive Your Relationship
It’s noon on Wednesday, time to get into bed, babe!
Sound sexy? Well, maybe not the sexiest thing you have ever heard, but hey, hear us out. With the year that we all endured, in addition to the year we are continuing to adjust to, our lives have become more complicated. Couples are fighting for office space in their small apartments, while parents are juggling constant childcare and full time jobs. Whatever the case you find yourselves in, it is probably accurate to assume that you’ve experienced a dry spell or your sex lives haven’t been a huge priority.
Sex doesn’t have to look like porn. Nor does it have to look like a romcom movie with spontaneous explosions of sexual chemistry. If you’ve been in a longterm relationship, it is possible that these moments have probably faded, but that doesn’t mean sex has to become stale and/or non-existent. As a relationship therapist, I see predominately millennial couples and many of them do not have children. Yet with the luxury of an abundance of sleep and alone time, they still admit that they don’t have a lot of sex.
“Maybe it’s because I’m getting older.”
“I’m just not that interested.”
“When we do it, it’s great. I’m just rarely in the mood.”
Whatever the case, sex may not be as appealing because it isn’t a priority. You may have skewed expectations around sex and chemistry, as well as a misconception about what desire looks like in longterm relationships. You may have settled for a stale sex life because it doesn’t come easy, which sort of means you’re being lazy about it. (And we aren’t being judgy here… it’s OK. We have been lazy, too!) In long term relationships, the novelty of sex is gone, which is why many people don’t desire it. They know what to expect, so in turn, they don’t prioritize it. This is why, it can be tremendously helpful to schedule sex because if nothing else, it inspires the prioritization of pleasure.
We know times are challenging right now and that you may be spending more time with your partner than ever. We know not all the time spent together is quality or that the time spent is ideal, but we do know that you both would benefit from scheduled sex, as long as you both commit to making it a priority.
The benefits of scheduling sex are endless and just because you have sex on the calendar does not mean you can’t have spontaneous sex throughout the week. If anything, by scheduling sex, it can actually promote more willingness for spontaneous sex, because the pressure is off. The concept of scheduling sex, is similar to having the motivation to go to the gym; sometimes you’re not mentally wanting to go, but once you start moving your body, you’re glad you did. So what are you waiting for?
The Benefits of Scheduling Sex can:
Revive your overall connection.
Increase anticipation and fun.
Help couples avoid dry spells.
Prioritizes your sexual health and relationship.
Promote sex positivity by changing mindsets from being overwhelmed to openness.
Be the appropriate time to introduce a sex toy or something different.
Be a relief! The decision is already made for you. So no more power struggle about who initiates and how. One less thing off your to-do list!
The benefits of scheduling sex gives the opportunity for both of you to get out of your heads and into the present moment because you both know what to expect. Even if you aren’t in the mood, you have the willingness and time to be! With that said, we would suggest being flexible about the type of intimacy you two engage in because sometimes circumstances do get in the way. For example, if you got into a big argument the night before and things still feel a little fragile or one of you isn’t feeling well, you can both give each other some grace by being flexible with what you do to get connected. If the circumstances aren’t ideal, we would still suggest honoring your commitment to each other and enjoying quality time together. Maybe its a massage, oral sex, or a cuddle sesh.
Tips: In addition to scheduling sex weekly, try also scheduling weekly date nights that are intentionally spent together. Doesn’t have to be anything luxurious, but it should be meaningful. If the two of you know that you have sex scheduled the day after, or even if you have already had sex, it takes the sexpectations off the table and allows you both to focus on the other layers of intimacy and fun.
Find a time every week that works for both of you. Be sure to discuss what time of day sex is preferred and make it a priority. No need to schedule an entire hour, but we would suggest it!