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5 Tips to Sustaining Romance as Parents

June 20, 2017 No Comments Children, Parents

5 Tips to Sustaining Romance as Parents : What you can do to stay connected with your partner.

Why is sustaining romance as parents so important? Well, I can imagine it’s because your relationship has now been lovingly invaded by little people who rely on you for their well-being, which makes romance and intimacy sometimes nearly impossible. Aron and I do not have children. We do not personally understand what it is like to have to commit ourselves to raising children together, as well as balancing our relationship with each other.

Because of this, I asked my dearest friend Holly, to share her experiences with balancing the two most important relationships and roles in her life. From my perspective, Holly and her husband seem to have a healthy balance of quality time together, as well as family time and even after 10 plus years together, they still mange a successful friendship! (I actually introduced her and her husband our senior year of high school and they have been together ever since! Go me!)

To help us better understand how to balance and sustain romance as parents, we asked Holly to share her expertise. Holly is a 30-year-old middle school teacher and parent of a 3-year-old girl. She is an extremely talented writer and often gets featured in articles and blogs.

According to Holly, here are 5 tips to sustaining romance as a parent:

It’s a pretty universal idea that parents are too exhausted for romance, and often for sex. It is almost ironic how a shared experience as special as raising a baby can actually pull couples apart, but it is possible.  It is necessary to connect romantically with your partner after the initial insanity of the first few weeks (or months, however long you need) postpartum.

The first time I had sex with my husband after having our daughter was such a relief. I had been so caught up in breastfeeding, diaper changing, family visiting, plus hang ups about my post baby body: hormone induced acne, fluctuating breast size, stretch marks and on and on. So when he gave me the eye, long past the recommended six weeks, it was a return to at least one normal part of my life from before becoming a mom. Something I knew how to do right. Something comforting that made me feel like myself. It also gave me some reassurance that I was still more than a milk cow!

Don’t be fooled, I am not saying the sex was or is the same. Neither is the time we spend together as a couple. Sometimes our relationship is completely different than it used to be, but we find our way back.

Here are some of our tips to sustaining romance as parents:

1. Find Acceptance & Appreciation

You have to accept that your relationship has changed, but that doesn’t always mean for the bad, it’s just different. By accepting the limited time you will have your partner all to yourself is one of the biggest challenges of having kids. Conversations are constantly interrupted and therefore often limited to the essential “how do we keep them sheltered and fed this week?” At least until after 8PM. Kids don’t sleep when they need to, or when we need them to. They also wake up unexpectedly. By accepting this, you won’t have to fight change as much and you can start appreciating the times you do get together without taking them for granted.

2. Be Creative

Because [children’s schedules] are unpredictable, you have to be creative! This might mean quickies during nap time or in the morning before they wake up! sustaining romance as parents

It may even mean utilizing The Modern Love Box for some inspiration! 

3. Use Humor

I’ve found that humor works well to limit the frustration and help keep things in perspective, after all, we did choose this, right? Try to laugh often and if sex isn’t an outcome, try to just enjoy being playful instead. 

4. Reframe “Quality Time” with Your Partner

The kids always, rightly, come first. They take up literally every second of time when they are awake. Plus, there is work, housekeeping, exercise, bills and the rest of the endless list adulting requires. So, how do you find time to spend with your partner? Easy shared time, like a show you watch together, going on a run as a couple, playing a videogame together, these are not fancy, lavish dates that require immense planning, a babysitter, or money. They are simple and relaxing ways to spend a little bit of time sans kids.

5. Prioritize Date Nights Often.. Without the Kids

Dates are pretty important. We like to revisit a lot of the things we used to do when we were dating without our daughter. We went back to an old, funky movie theater we’d gone to on our first date; we go to small concerts; we paddle board at Horsetooth Reservoir where we’d go in the summer during college. These nostalgic dates serve as a great reminder that we like each other before we were parents, and we can still have interesting and fulfilling lives!

It isn’t ever going to feel like you’re newly dating, well rested, and the world is your oyster again. At least not until the kids are in college and you retire! But you can stay connected with laughter, patience, reminiscing, and creativity!

 

Parents may benefit from The Modern Love Box more than couples without children, simply due to your limited time and schedules. Curious about engaging experiences delivered straight to your door? Start your subscription today and start prioritizing connection in a fun, unique way! The Modern Love Box may offer additional tips to sustain the romance as parents.

7 Signs You’d Benefit From More Quality Time

June 13, 2017 No Comments Relationships

7 Signs You’d Benefit From More Quality Time with Your Partner

What is “quality time” and why is it important? Well, if you are in a relationship in today’s world, then you understand how difficult it is to balance career, family, friends, hobbies, romance, quality connection, sex, self-care, relaxation, house duties, etc, etc. We wear many hats and we often forget to take them all off and just be. Life is hectic and non-stop. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to have a great career, to make lots of money, to be a great parent, to have many friends, to have many hobbies, to have a clean house, to manage our life in a way that is seemingly flawless. Finding time to balance intentional quality time for yourself and your partner may seem non-existant and/or few and far between.

It’s hard to prioritize our relationship sometimes because we often allow other responsibilities and pressures to take precedence. When we have too much going on we can forget about what really matters. It can be extremely difficult to find that balance in responsibilities, obligations and needs/desires. Quality time is important because it helps us feel connected to our partner; it helps us feel more grounded and supported, and also helps us feel more attractive and desired.

If you check “yes” to any of these signs, it may be time to crank up the QT with your cutie!

Here are 7 signs that you and your partner may benefit from more quality time.

1. You don’t have weekly date nights with just the two of you.

Kids or no kids. Your relationship needs more quality interaction than just a random night out once every other month or so. If you are parents, I can understand this is easier said than done, but prioritizing your relationship will only make the two of you more fulfilled and will help the two of you work better together as parents. If you struggle with finding a babysitter, start scheduling time when your child is asleep. Turn off the TV and making connection intentional. You don’t need to go somewhere to create a date night at home.

 

2. You feel sex is a chore.

Let’s face it. Sex can fizzle. Desire and romance can fluctuate as your relationship progresses. I have said this before and I will say it again, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you or your partner if you experience this sometimes. It is completely normal to have lulls in passion and physical intimacy, however, sex shouldn’t feel like a chore. You should communicate more about your expectations around sex so you can lower the anxiety and pressure around it. You should also take more time prioritizing quality time so the two of you can feel more connected, (i.e. making sex more enticing).

 

3. You only talk about work, responsibilities and/or children.

If you find yourselves only talking about practical things, then your relationship can definitely benefit from more quality connection. You may find yourselves often in auto-pilot and just talking at each other rather than emotionally checking in with your partner. This may be a sign that you both don’t even realize how dis-connected you are from your own needs and desires.

 

4. You haven’t been on a getaway in over 6 months.

I know, you may read this and think, “We haven’t been on a getaway in 3 years!” If this is the case, don’t worry! I am only mentioning this piece because I think quality getaways are a sure way to promote quality interactions, spontaneity and intimacy. If you are on a budget or have children that you don’t want to leave for a long period of time, try going to a hotel in your city for the night once every few months. A “getaway” does not need to be a lavish vacation, it should just be an exclusive time away from the normalcy in your lives.

 

5. You don’t ever eat meals together.

Maybe your schedules don’t permit this. Maybe you have children. Regardless, if you find yourselves never (or rarely) eating

together, you may need a date night out to dinner with just the two of you to focus on only the two of you. Meal time can be stressful if you’re taking care of others while trying to feed yourself, but they can also be very connecting if you only have each other to distract you.

 

6. You have a rigid routine.

Routines can be helpful (even though I realize they are not for everyone!) Being Type A myself, I create a “to-do-list” every morning. However, if find yourselves in such a rigid routine that you don’t carve out time to be spontaneous and/or flexible, then you both may be craving the desire to be more present and engaged with each other without the schedule. Try to include “connection” on your to-do list and prioritize that daily. It could be a small walk around the block or a quick trip the grocery store, as along as you are making it intentional and it’s not something you normally do, you can boost the quality time daily.

 

7. You find yourselves snipping at each other often.

If you and your partner are “getting on each other nerves” more regularly, it may be a sign that you need more quality connection and less robotic / practical interactions with each other. Being on edge and arguing over little things for a brief moment, may be an indicator that you both may be subconsciously craving more quality time together. You miss each other, but instead of saying that, it’s often easier to get frustrated at one another instead.

 

Remember that your versions of “quality time” are different. I often hear this from my couples. One person’s idea of “quality time” is sitting on the sofa after work and watching a TV show together. While the other person’s idea of “quality time” is having conversations about life and each other’s day at work without any interruptions. Neither is “right or wrong,” however, both parties could benefit from their cups being filled. Talk to each other and ask for examples of how your partner experiences “quality time.” How can both of you find the balance in supporting each other’s versions?

The Modern Love Box was created specifically to support meaningful and intentional connection with you and your partner. No need to leave the convenience of your home. All you need to do is carve out the time and be present. Created by a Relationship Expert and her husband, our boxes are meant to inspire you and your partner to connect in meaningful ways so you can bump up your quality time! Start your subscription today! 

What You Can do to Avoid Dismissing Each Other’s Love Language

May 6, 2017 No Comments Relationships

Understanding Intentions : How We Dismiss Their Love Language

Have you heard of Gary Chapman? A marriage counselor who believes we all speak and interupret a different Love Language. As a relationship therapist, I’ve grown accustomed to using his theory of Love Languages when defining our natural (and very unique) translations of love and connection.

Gary believes, “Unhappiness in marriage often has a simple root cause: we speak different love languages,” and while working as a marriage counselor for more than 30 years, he has termed Five Love Languages : Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

Love Language The Modern Love Box

My hip grandparents fell in love when she was 15-years-old and he was 21-years-old. They loved each other so very much and were never afraid to show it!

The other day I was thinking about my own “love language” and was able to identify certain experiences in my childhood which have impacted my natural tendency to enjoy Quality Time and Gifts. (Although I do cherish all of them). My grandparents were a big influence in my childhood and every morning they would get me ready for school, make me breakfast and drop me off. They both knew about my upcoming tests, my social life and boys I had crushes on. They were invested in my life and the quality time spent with them was extremely special to me. Also looking back to my childhood, my mom (who was a single parent until I was 6-years-old) would always try to make events special by giving me cute gifts. Every Valentine’s Day, Easter or celebration at school, she would have a huge gift basket prepared with my favorite goodies. I knew she didn’t have a lot of money, so none of the gifts were lavish by any means, but they were genuinely thoughtful and that was my mom’s way of showing me she loved me.

Although all the love languages are significant from my perspective, it’s extremely important to understand which one(s) you and you partner tend to speak more fluently. This will help avoid misunderstanding and dismissal of each other’s bids at connection. I think it is important to define to your partner what each love language looks like to you, so you have context to each other’s dialect.

For example, I’d have to say that my definition of “quality time” in the context of my marriage, looks like Aron and I being completely present in experiencing something together. It could be us getting happy hour on a patio with no electronics handy; it could be us going for a run together in complete silence. Where as Aron may feel at times that an example of his definition of “quality time” is us watching a TV show together.

What is interesting to me is I often hear my clients say that gifts as a Love Language is “superficial” or “materialist.”

Yes, of course, the gift itself is in fact a tangible thing, but should they all be considered “superficial?” Superficial implies a gift is fake. It implies the intention behind the gift is a false attempt at connecting and showing love. By labeling this love language as “materialistic” or “superficial,” it voids the genuine attempt of  someone showing love in their fluent language. (OUCH!)

Love Language The Modern Love Box Maybe the topic of gift giving is striking a particularly sensitive cord for me because not only is it one of my love languages, but I also never realized how vulnerable it would be for Aron and I to conceptualize the boxes and send them out to YOU and your partner! This is more than just a business for us and we care about our couple’s overall experience. It’s been an exposing process for even us to give thoughtful gifts to you and your partner in hopes you both will enjoy!

In many intimate cases, the intention of gifting a present to someone is in fact extremely thoughtful and vulnerable. By giving an intentional gift, you are opening yourself up to getting rejected. By giving a gift, you are symbolically giving a piece of you away to someone else in hopes they accept and appreciate it.

Your partner may not speak the same love language or have the same definitions of your love language, but once you become aware of the different languages being spoken in your relationship, you can start to value your partner’s attempts more.

What You Can do to Avoid Dismissing Each Other’s Love Language(s):

Talk About Where Your Love Language(s) Have Come From. A good exercise is to discuss memories in which have contributed to each other’s love language to gain an appreciation for where each other is coming from.

Open Your Eyes! Don’t take each other’s love language(s) for granted. Of course it would be nice if your partner made the bed more, or brought you home flowers, but are there other ways they show you they love you that you may not even be fully aware of? (Are they patient with you when you’re frustrated? Do they engage with you when you’re needing to talk? Do they hold your hand when you’re walking down the street? Do they make you laugh?)

Believe Your Partner Has the Best Intentions. Your partner may not notice your love language as an attempt to connect sometimes, and/or they may not reciprocate in the same way you are needing. Instead of getting resentful and angry, try to acknowledge and remember what they actually do. Try to keep in mind that similarly to learning any new language, it takes time, practice and grace.

Acknowledge Your Partner’s Love Language, but Also Encourage Them to Use Yours. In order to feel confident in communicating in any foreign language, you need to feel encouraged when trying it. When you are attempting to ask for what you need try to acknowledge their efforts first, be compassionate and encouraging when they do try to speak yours!

It’ll never be perfect, but maybe  you can also start to appreciate their attempts even though it’s not your desired form of connection and find a mutual balance. I encourage you to take Gary Chapman’s Five Love Language quiz together if you haven’t already!

xoxo,

Alysha

Interested in speaking our love language? Start your subscription with The Modern Love Box today!

The Modern Love Box Couples : Behind the Scenes

March 25, 2017 No Comments Relationships

The Modern Love Box Couples & Prelaunch Recap

Check out what The Modern Love Box has been up to and get introduced to The Modern Love Box Couples.

Like anything, starting a new company can be stressful and at times, even boring. Similarly to longterm relationship dilemmas, (i.e. we can get bored with routine and lack of mystery), Aron and I typically enjoy making our “job” more exciting by working remotely as often as possible. [As you can see, Aron snapped a shot of me while we were enjoying one of Denver’s beautiful Spring days on the patio of one of our favorite staycation spots, The Art Hotel]. We like to switch it up, people! (And not just in our relationship, but in our sometimes mundane tasks for work). It keeps things exciting which helps us enjoy every moment!

We don’t always change things up, however. One thing that Aron and I do like to keep consistent is working with other amazing creatives, such as our Photographer. We were fortunate enough to meet Chelsey, owner and photographer of Friends and Lovers Photography, when Aron and I were planning our wedding in 2015. We immediately fell in love with her energy and personally connected to her natural talent of capturing such candid and raw moments. We hired her on the spot and have worked with her ever since with our most impactful life moments.

From engagement photos to boudoir sessions, Chelsey has shared and captured some of our most intimate moments. She has seen me freak out, she has seen us cry. She has helped make the most awkward of moments, comfortable. We are lucky and grateful to have found her.

Chelsey is not only our favorite photographer, but she has also become a great friend. So when we decided to run with this new endeavor, we instantly knew she would be the one we would turn to help us capture the excitement of our new company, The Modern Love Box.

The Modern Love Box Couples consisted of two very sweet pairs. The first, are a lovely married couple who became friends with Chelsey over Instagram when they realized they were neighbors and mutual chicken fanatics. The photo shoot was our first meet, but we immediately felt welcomed and were greeted with kindness. The second pair are really close friends to Aron and I, and they are actually getting close to tying the knot in a few months!

Capturing the authentic moment was easy with The Modern Love Box Couples, especially with Chelsey’s photographic expertise and the openness of our couples. It was exciting for Aron and I to not only get amazing images, but to also witness first hand couple’s reactions to our program and products. Seeing The Modern Love Box couples interact with curiosity and laughter, was truly the biggest gift. I wish we could do it again!

As I mentioned, one of The Modern Love Box couples we photographed is our close friends. We figured it wasn’t going to be awkward since we have basically crossed boundaries in our near 6 years of friendship, but I think that’s what made their shoot so energetic. It was fun to see them so engaged and excited about exploring each other… [at times our crew was even bashful, as things were getting pretty spicy! I’m not sure they even noticed we were all in the room….] HAHA!The Modern Love Box Couples : Get Inspired

Part of capturing The Modern Love Box couple’s enthusiasm was our goal, but we truly had no idea they would be so naturally receptive and curious. It was nice to not have to be super directive with the photo shoot, as they mostly gravitated toward the products and communication exercises. The behavioral reaction was purely authentic and we could not have asked for a better photoshoot.

 

Welcome to The Modern Love Box! Your longterm relationship will thank you.

January 6, 2017 No Comments Dating, Love, Married, Relationships

Investing in your Longterm Relationship

If you have found yourself curious about our company, it’s probably because you are like most of us in a long term relationship who crave the “honeymoon stage.” When sex, intimacy, conversations and light-heartedness were effortless. Fast forward to now, and you may find yourselves bored and unmotivated, or maybe just stumped on “how to spice things up.” Work, children, hobbies and friends may take priority over your relationship and although you’re still in love with each other, you may often be questioning “where did the spark go?”
Longterm relationship spark
If you are in a long term relationship and you often find yourself struggling with bringing back the romance, initiating a “new” experience, or even sparking a more intriguing conversation, please know your relationship is normal. Lulls in passion, intimacy, and overall satisfaction are NORMAL. Let me repeat. ALL OF THESE ARE NORMAL. How do I know? Well, to start, I have been passionately committed to the same person for the last 8 years, despite our own experiences of lulls in our relationship from time to time. I am also a Relationship Therapist and counsel all different types of couples who experience the same things at differing levels and at differing times in their relationship.
Our brains are meant to adapt to our environment for survival, so it makes sense that this also includes adapting to our relationship. We can easily become comfortable, or even stagnant, as this reduces our brain’s risk of perceived “threats.” We like being comfortable.
What our innate and practical brain wiring doesn’t understand, is adapting to our romantic relationship and becoming too comfortable or “stagnant” is a HUGE threat. Maybe not in the sense that our entire race will become extinct or that we are in any serious physical danger, but rather the stagnation can create insecurities or dysfunction that threaten our trust, vulnerabilities and overall quality of our relationship. Yikes!
When we become too comfortable, we become experts at predicting and knowing what will happen in our relationship at all times. For example, we know what to expect the second our partner initiates sex (well, because they have done it the same way the last 942 times); we stop becoming so intrigued by their work ethic and drive,(well because now, it’s just boring to always hear about); we stop getting offended when our partner loudly toots on the sofa (well, because they had Mexican food for dinner). We know what their favorite things to do on Saturday is, or how they like their eggs and coffee in the morning.We know every hair, every scent, every sound… There is no more mystery.
I hate to burst anyone’s bubble, but this level of comfortability is not always a turn on or emotionally connecting! Don’t get me wrong, on one hand this makes for a safe environment, making our relationship a secure space. This can definitely benefit us in lots of ways, as we ultimately want security in our relationship. However, on the other hand, knowing what to expect at all times also makes for a loss of excitement, which can often suffocate our once natural curiosity to discover something new about each other. This is when it can become “threatening” to our relationship because we stop becoming attune to our own needs and desires, as well as our partner’s. We subconsciously settle for the comfortability. We settle for the idea that our honeymoon stage is a thing of the past or only something that may come out on an alcohol induced vacation!
This really comes down to us just needing to become more committed to working on finding the balance.
If we don’t, we run the potential risk of creating deep and devastating issues, that in many cases can unfortunately lead to divorce, separation, wandering eyes, lack of intimacy/passion/respect, insecurities, affairs/infidelities, resentments, chronic boredom, etc. In order to find the balance, we have to make reciprocal exchanges and find areas in which we are lacking, to strengthen together. We have to want to discover more about each other and ourselves. We have to want to put the effort into our relationship and challenge our secure comfortability together.
This natural part (but not always the easiest part) of being in a long term relationship with another human being , is why my husband and I developed There Modern Love Box. We want to help couples out there avoid these potential relational risks and help them learn how to re-engage and enjoy their relationship on deeper, more meaningful levels. We want to help couples build more of that balance together so they can feel even more secure, as well as more connected, (emotionally, physically and intimately).
The beauty of our company is that we offer a convenient and easy way to enhance your relationship from the convenience of your own home. Any twosome, at any stage of their relationship can benefit from The Modern Love Box. All you need is willingness.
All of our products and activities have been handpicked or created by an expert, tested by longterm couples and are shared by one passionate partnership. 
You’re welcome.
Alysha Jeney, MA, MFT-C
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